haruskah berubah?

ada satu cerita yang nk dikisahkan, kisah kehidupan seorang pelajar yang ego.

before the final term begun, a physic lect gave his student one set question that would likely be in the final term. every student in that class read, redone, and MESMERIZED all the steps. although he didn't said it out loud but in everyone's mind, his behavior gave us hint that it WILL come up in our paper. 

so there was a girl who takes pride for being clean and through attitude. she didn't take that much of care of that particular set. she studied just like the way she did before. she did though, flipping through the questions half an hour before she entered the exam hall. in her mind, there is no way this guy (the lect) will give them the very same questions. unfortunately, to her surprise, it was! the very same questions and even the values given was in front of her, waiting to be answered. she shocked.

dan dia hampir menangis, bukan sebab menyesal tak baca soalan2 yang lecturer bagi, tetapi sebab perkara itu terjadi, for real. terkejut sangat, kecewa pun ada. for what was the purpose of education then? dalam keadaan tak stabil, dia teruskan juga jawab, hilang keyakinan yang dibawa ketika masuk dewan tadi. berserah, mungkin.

after a week, she went through the group's whatsapp (class's) and found about sir's request > whoever felt like their final term was a disaster, whatsapp me before tomorrow < and she like missed the opportunity, cursing herself for not online yesterday. she somehow thinking again, would she whatsapp him regarding on the final term's result of hers and wanting on help or would she ignore? 

and that girl is me. yap, me.

aku ada ego, atau konflik dalaman lah kata orang. aku akan pandang rendah kat diri aku sendiri bila aku menipu dalam exam. bila aku dah tahu soalan apa yang keluar. and paling penting, aku akan pandang rendah sesangat kat diri aku kalau aku dapat markah tinggi hasil daripada baca soalan tu. i will be a total loser. 

and yet i know the society only look at my result's certificate! yay me yay! yay this education yay this nation!

pointer lagi penting? yap aku tahu jpa memang penting kan pointer pun. and no matter how, dari cara aku study sepatutnya aku dapat pointer tinggi. sepatutnya lah. aku tak salahkan rezeki. aku tak pertikaikan takdir. so in other way round, aku takde lame excuse for my poor performance,  no that i am pointing my finger at anyone else, let it be my lecturer. tapi, serius ah????

cara aku salah? 

sekarang ni aku taktahu la kenapa aku rasa serba salah. aku tahu, dia nak tolong anak didik dia. tapi, aku tak faham kenapa macam tu cara yang dia pilih. mungkin cara aku kot yang salah? betul ke macam tu yang sepatutnya menuntut ilmu? aku ke yang salah? mentaliti aku drag aku sampai aku dah tak nampak the reason behind his action? or sebenarnya ada benda yang aku silap? taktahu lah. nak mengaku salah pun aku tak tahu kesalahan apa yang aku nak mengaku. orang kata orang2 macam aku ni, buta sebab ego. tak nampak mana salah mana benar. tapi kan, walau macam mana pun aku tengok, no matter what perspectives, aku tetap rasa bagi soalan yang sama dalam final sebelum final tu salah. yap. salah.

nampak tak konflik dalaman aku?

dilemma is such a gross thing to have :(

a respectful teacher that i have know barely in 3 months said this in our semester 2 briefing at Uniten :
cherish this moment. jangan terlalu cepat menjadi dewasa, jangan pula tersekat dalam dunia remaja selamanya.

aku tak tau apa patut aku buat. semester 2 dah mula.

should i go on with my old way or should i change?